A Friendly Subject

[Phantomstranger]

Okay this one's bad....

What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything"


Sorry gang.

[Jay J. Foraker]

A Russian, an American and a blond were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The blond said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
To which the blond replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!!"
Cheers - Jay :D

[Jay J. Foraker]

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potatao garden, but it was hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later, the old man received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Fred

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred

Cheers - Jay :

[Popol Vuh]

Here is a really bad one:

Did you know that research has proven that diarrohea is hereditary?

Scientists say that it runs in your jeans.

[chester7777]

Originally posted by Popol Vuh@Aug 19 2005, 06:51 PM
Here is a really bad one:

Did you know that research has proven that diarrohea is hereditary?

Scientists say that it runs in your jeans.

[snapback]20552[/snapback]

EEEEUWWWWW!

[Colorado Bob]

Originally posted by Bonnie@Jul 17 2005, 12:55 AM
These are "Church Bloopers"* :D* There is NO way I can read some of these without laughing out loud!!

Martha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Martha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome!* Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.* * : (that one's my favorite.)

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s)
you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.-prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

------------------
This one's called "Getting a wee bit deaf".

Man went to his doctor saying that he thought his wife was deaf but did not want to upset her by asking direct, what could he do?

The doctor said, "Go into the room and, if his wife had her back to him, just say something in a normal voice and move forward saying the same thing until she hears".

The man went home and, finding his wife at the kitchen sink with her back to him said, "What's for dinner dear?".

No reply, so he moved forward and repeated, "What's for dinner dear?". Still no reply.

Moves still nearer and again says "What's for dinner dear?". Still no acknowledgement.

He then positions himself just a foot behind her and again says "What's for dinner dear?".

She answers, "For the fourth time, shepherds pie!".

[snapback]19107[/snapback]

These are great! I have one that I read in our church bulletin several years ago. The bulletin typist accidently left out a "g" when writing: "Wednesday evening prayer service starts at 7:00 pm. Please come and join us for a time of prayer and sining." I think the whole congregation got a laught out of that!

[chester7777]

OK, another email funny to share! I haven't laughed this hard in a very long time.

Enjoy!

Mrs. C


Things to ponder....

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for MissAmerica?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

[chester7777]

OK, Ladies, here's one for us : !

Mrs. C

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eve's side of the story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more
"symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see... where did I put that useless boob?"

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story?

[smokey]

hi mrs c

a good one well they do say thats what the fellas keep looking at

hooroo smokey

[Stumpy]

I can think of a lot worse things to be made of. :

[Baby Sister]

I was testing the children
in my Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house
and my car,
had a big garage sale
and gave all my money
to the church,
Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children
answered.
"If I cleaned the church
every day, mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave candy
to all the children,
and loved my husband,
would that get me into Heaven?"

I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."





I thought this was worth bringing back this thread..... :D




Baby Sis

[dukefan1]

As they say, "Out of the mouth of babes." Thanks for sharing that and giving me a smile, Baby Sister. :D Mark

[chester7777]

Wow, it's been over two months since anyone posted in this thread! Are we getting too serious around here?? :

Here's one I thought y'all might get a laugh from.


Here is an actual sign posted at a golf course in Scottsdale, Arizona -

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

[SXViper]

Originally posted by chester7777@Dec 17 2005, 11:49 AM
Wow, it's been over two months since anyone posted in this thread!* Are we getting too serious around here?? :

Here's one I thought y'all might get a laugh from.
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf course in Scottsdale, Arizona -

1. BACK* STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE* GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT* ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF* YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET* PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA* STROKES.

WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE* OFF.

[snapback]23975[/snapback]

HAHAHA, Good one Chester!!!!

[arthurarnell]

Hi

Talking about golf:-

two men are playing a round of golf up ahead they see two women playing. One man turns to the other and says do you mind if we go on ahead of them. the other man asked why and he replied its rather embarrasing one of those woman is my wife and the other is my mistress.
The other man looks at the two women turns to his friend and says

What a coincidence.


Regards

Arthur